Chapter 2 - A Little Prayer

If you ever see me and ask me how I am, I will say I’m fine. I will also be lying.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still loving life and loving people. This is not a white flag flying. I still laugh in the face of adversity.

I have just come to the realization that I am in fact in a worse position than I was last year. I am fatter, less fit, still not working, and have almost no motivation left. To top it all off, the most important woman in my life is sick and there is nothing I can do because my passport is with the German Embassy in Melbourne.

There are two ways to summarize my year so far:

1. I traveled around Europe, auditioning and seconding, and got nothing but rejection until the very end where I was promised with a job prospect. Two weeks after my arrival back in Australia, this promise was all washed away due to a budget cut. Also discovered I was betrayed by a friend that I truly cared for and was deeply hurt. I had to pick myself up and pay an arm and a leg to stay in Australia, then even more money to travel over east to be seen and hopefully get a job and some experience. Got some experience, but still not good enough to get any work. Then out of the blue I got an offer from the same company in Germany, who then told me to come over as soon as possible, even though I told them I needed a visa. They said to come over and sort it out when I got there. Paid another arm and leg to fly over only to be deported for not having a visa. Now back in Perth, fat, miserable and broke and waiting for my visa to process, which could take up to three months. Also just found out that my mum has brain and lung tumors.

2. Experienced the wonder of Europe, a place I have always dreamed of going back to. Fell in love with the continent and its culture. Was lucky enough for my talents to be noticed by a few people. Shit happens, and even though I lost my job and was hurt emotionally, I managed to pick myself up and have the determination to keep going. Participated in Soft Landing 2, which was an awesome program, and met some awesome people, which resulted in an awesome experience. Spent some time at Tasdance and had a great time, and also got lots of good feedback. Went to Sydney and had a good time with Cilli and Sydney Dance Company. Got to do wicked improvisation classes with Adam Linder. Grateful for the opportunity to work in Germany again, it was time to change my mindset. However, due to miscommunication, I got the chance to spend more time in Australia in the warmth. I was organized enough to sort out my German visa and lucky enough to have money to survive with and also still have my job. My mum may be sick, but she has such awesome friends and family to look after her, care for her and pray for her. She is also such a strong woman, and she continues to inspire me every day.

I think I like the second one better, but reading the first one I know I’ve been through a lot of crap. I can only come out stronger from this, but at this very moment I guess I am not in the best of spirits. It’s natural for me to feel like this and I’m not going to beat myself up nor am I going to pretend that everything is hunky-dory. I just try not to show it because I don’t like to be pitied.

When I found out about my mum, I prayed that God would let me take her pain so she didn’t have to suffer any more than she already has. It then occurred to me that I was being stupid because I can’t tell God what to do. Everything happens for a reason, and if it is part of my mum’s journey then I should let it be. She is a testimony to the kind of unexplainable mysteries that God has in store, and I know she has faith that healing can happen more than once.

All I ask of my readers is to say a little prayer for my mum, and for all the other good people battling it out. It doesn’t matter what kind of religion or belief you have, just spare a thought for her. It’s really all we need right now.